This blog was written by an individual from the UK
who wanted their story heard but wishes to remain anonymous.
Please note:
a few weeks ago, we had a blog from Anna
Glinski, which prompted a conversation with the author of this blog about
their experiences being the partner of a person convicted of possessing
Indecent Images of Children. Kieran
What is it like
being the non-offending partner of an IIOC perpetrator? Hard. Everything about
it is hard.
In 2015 my
ex-husband was given a 3-year Community Order and 5-year SHPO for downloading
>1000 indecent images of children from 2011-15 across all three categories
(majority B). No videos.
The knock-on
the door by the Police came as a complete shock as I had no inkling that he had
a sexual predilection to underage girls. For the first couple of weeks after the arrest my sons, aged 3 and 6,
had no contact with their Dad as per his bail conditions. I then signed a
Supervised Access Only Contact Agreement with Children’s Services that I was
advised would remain in place indefinitely. This, combined with the
overwhelming fear of the predicted media exposure, prompted my decision to
relocate.
Everything
about my past, present, and future suddenly had a whole new perspective. I went
from being a full-time mum who lived in a nice part of my hometown with
children attending the local faith school and a husband with a very good job,
to a divorcee with a vague backstory of why I needed a fresh start somewhere
new.
As he remained
part of society at every stage of the Judicial Process, we have had to find a
new way of being with him as part of our world. The ramifications of this crime
do not get less significant in time and the effect on children evolves as they
grow up. I FEEL
Angry/restricted. None of this is fair. I have done
nothing wrong, yet I need to make unending compromises to protect my family
against negative community response because of our association with an abhorrent
crime that we were innocent bystanders to every aspect of life is affected, from social interactions
to employment options. I do not foresee this changing when his sentence is
completed in winter 2020.
Judged/marginalized. From day 1 I felt as though I was being assessed whether I was a good enough Mum by anyone I had contact within a professional
capacity, however as I ticked the right boxes, none proactively maintained any
contact with us after 3 weeks post-arrest. To begin with the lack of attention
from authorities was akin to relief, but as time has progressed, I perceive this
demonstrates that my boys are the unseen victims of this crime and the impact
on their childhood seemingly acceptable collateral damage to achieving a
conviction. I thought people would think I was stupid for not knowing about his
online behavior, or in denial, and would wonder whether I had the same
interests too, plus would question any historical interaction their children
had with mine. Now I know, through lived experience, I am invariably judged for
allowing my children to still have supervised access with their Dad.
Unsupported Even though I hate the thought of my
kids being considered vulnerable, this scenario triggers several Adverse
Childhood Experiences, which means that they are. At the start, when I became
aware of something I was blind to before, I desperately needed help to protect
them from this significant threat to their well-being. Unfortunately, as we
were(are) not classified as Victims, I could not find any support for us from
any source. I struggle to find professionals who fully empathize with our
situation, therefore am simply left alone to make up appropriate safeguarding
measures for my boys as I go along. The impact on my mental health has been
significant: after being repeatedly declined anti-depressants, with a long waiting
list for NHS therapy, I have had no other option than to self-fund counseling.
Resentful. From the start, he had a network around
him to help him live life forward. Police made it clear that any break in
confidentiality about the nature of the investigation could increase his
suicide risk. I took on the responsibility of keeping secret the reason behind
my sudden change in circumstances which consequentially created distance within
pre-existing friendships. Until the charges were made public in Magistrates
Court I lived in limbo for 5 months not knowing the full scope of the
investigation to protect his Right to Privacy. Probation monitored him regularly and supported getting him back into
employment. He managed to meet and move in with a local woman who accepted his
conviction. I have had nothing as I moved to a place that gave us anonymity.
Sad. I feel heartbroken that my boys have
been robbed of a traditional father figure. I can only protect them from this
for so long before they will learn preciously early in life that people are not
always what they seem. They are going to have to face a huge emotional and psychological
challenge as teenagers when they grow to understand what their Dad did.
Strong/proud. I had to forgive myself that I could
not have seen what he took such great care to hide. As someone who has had a
relationship with a man convicted of this crime I have felt: confused; naïve; misunderstood;
full of self-doubt; disappointed in myself for missing it; burdened with a
family secret; scared; isolated; lonely; ashamed; torn; irrelevant; guilty;
fearful for the future; bereaved; like a victim. Yet I have got back up each
time this situation has brought me to my knees and that makes me resilient.
No comments:
Post a Comment