Social rules and laws around interpersonal sexual
conduct are culturally defined but locally enforced. It is up to adults
to help young people know the expectations, navigate the hazards of
interpersonal sex, and understand that there are a lot things that can go
wrong. When sexual violations occur, it is also the responsibility of
adults to help young people make sense of what happened, and whether they might
be a victim or an offender, help guide them through recovery.
Sometimes sexual violence is so horrific that
culpability is clear. But other times sexual violations occur under
ambiguous or mitigating circumstances. When this is the case, too often
adults ignore the social complexity of interpersonal sexual behavior, overreach
with interventions, and send distorted, polarizing messages to young
people. When kids are involved in sexual violations, as a victim or an
offender, what are the messages that they are getting from adults?
Do these messages help young people understand what happened, or do they just
leave them more confused, full of anger or shame, or feeling hopeless?
Three cases to illustrate…
(A) In September, 2010, a federal judge
in Minneapolis sentenced a man to 30 years in prison for
taking sexual pictures of two teenage girls (he had also molested one of
them and faced separate charges in state court). When asked if he would
like to make a statement before sentencing, the offender expressed remorse,
apologized, and said that he prayed for the girls; which prompted the
judge to say:
“These victims are never, ever, ever going to
recover. No matter how much you want God to do that, no matter how
much you pray, it is not going to happen.”
The judge’s message was intended, of course, for
the offender, but the judge’s comments were heard by everyone in open court and
broadcast by the media. Imagine the secondary trauma that the
judge carelessly inflicted on the girls, their families,
and friends... that these kids are never, ever, ever going to
recover, and not even God can change that? Wrong message.
A better message might have been, “No child
should ever have to endure the sexual violations that you inflicted upon these
girls. I’m sending you to prison for a long time to ensure that you will
not have the opportunity to do this again. You, sir, are a bit late in
wishing the best for these children, but I will leave it to the girls and their
parents to determine the sincerity of your message. But let me assure the
girls, and their family and friends, that these courageous teenagers will get
the help they need that turns victims into survivors. With support and
guidance, these events and the sense of having been violated will fade with
time, and these brave young ladies will move on with their lives. Court
adjourned.”
(B) In the fall of 2013, as a prank at a Sparkman
High School football game near Huntsville, Alabama, 15 year old Christian
Adamek ran naked across the football field. Classmates cheered, and the
next day they called him a “legend.” But the
school proceeded to expel him and referred him for prosecution for lewd
behavior. A conviction could have resulted in Christian being put on the
state’s sex offender registry. Alabama has lifetime registration for
sexual offenders, including juveniles. The school moved quickly to expel
Christian and, after he was cut-off from his friends, perhaps he decided not to
wait to see if he was also going to be a “sex offender.” Five days later
Christian killed himself. His father later reported that Christian
was a troubled kid, but that does not change the message that Christian apparently got
from the school. One incident of streaking and he lost his school,
his peers, his hope, and his life. Wrong message.
One can only wonder if there would have been a
different outcome with a different message, “Hey Christian, pretty funny
streaking at the football game Friday night. I totally understand why
teenagers do those things. Some staff have suggested that you should be
charged with disorderly conduct, or maybe even indecent exposure, because we
have to discourage that kind of thing – some people are offended and it is
quite disruptive to football games. But I am trying to not overreact so
I’m going to suspend you from school for a couple days and if you do that
again, you will be banned from participation in school sporting events.
Understood? Great, thanks. Game over. See you on
Wednesday.”
(C) Over this last summer a very
public trial unfolded in New Hampshire regarding two prep
school students who engaged in some sexual behavior. He was 18; she
was 15. This was not the “Romeo and Juliet” situation that is quite
common in high schools. It seems he was participating in a school
“tradition” that students called, “senior
salute.” There was evidence
presented at trial that she had agreed to getting together, but “only if
it’s our little secret.” Unfortunately, rather than keeping a secret, he
was keeping score. As often happens in cases of equivocal sex, it’s
difficult for any third party to know the truth. But even if there was
some measure of sexual consent, there was clearly an absence of sexual respect.
He was charged with several misdemeanors and felonies. The jury had
to determine what versions of events to believe and decide each count.
After several hours of deliberations the
jury delivered a split verdict.
The jury acknowledged that she was, in fact,
underage, but apparently believed that there was some level of consent.
He was cleared of the most serious charges, but when he is sentenced on October
29, 2015 he still faces up to 11 years in prison and lifetime registration as a
sex offender. Both teenagers broke down in the courtroom. He
thought he was on his way to Harvard; now he is most likely on his way to
prison. Whatever the judge decides, everyone has lost – both the
students, their families, their friends, and everyone at the prestigious
prep school. While the school administration has disavowed any
“tradition” of “senior salute,” it apparently was well known to students over
many years. This story is another reminder that adults need to get ahead
of any indications of hazing-like activities that often go unrecognized by kids
and young adults, and help young people navigate interpersonal relationships,
and the nuances of social acceptance.
Sexual misconduct might not be the worst thing
that kids have ever done, or the worst life experience that they have
encountered, but the messages that young people too often get is that sexual
abuse is so horrible that, whether they are victims or offenders, they will
forever be defined by it, and they might never recover. Professionals and
other adults need to be vigilant about the messages we send, and ensure that
young people, and their families, hear the important messages of hope and
restoration. Whether it’s part of prevention, or part of recovery, people
of all ages need help to understand the simplicity of sexual consent
and the complexity of sexual respect.
Jon Brandt, MSW, LICSW
A Post Script: On 10/29/2015, the young man convicted for his role in the “senior
salute” received a suspended sentence
of seven years in prison for the felony conviction of using a computer to lure
a minor, and was sentenced to serve one year in jail on the remaining
misdemeanor convictions. He will be on
probation for five years and must register as a sex offender for at least 15
years. He was released pending
appeal. During sentencing, the young
woman expressed that, “What he did to me made me feel like I didn’t belong on
this planet and I would be better off dead.” The judge expressed that both their “lives have
been destroyed,” but quickly noted that they were both young and that he hoped he
was wrong. It is now up to adults to reframe
the personal and social context of these events with a narrative of resiliency –
one that will help both young people to get their lives back. [JB]
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