By Cordelia
Anderson, MA & Sara Mulholland, M.Ed, LPC
The
response to #MeToo, ever growing reports of sexual harassment, and other
harmful sexual behaviors, often includes responses that indicate the accused
chose to see their behaviors as consensual and mutually desirable. Historic,
cultural, and current mass media messages that perpetuate norms of male
privilege and sexual conquest make it challenging for those who value equitable
relationships and who crave mutual pleasure.
In a society that values a system of deflecting responsibility for one’s
behaviors or the impact those behaviors have on others, it is challenging to
hang on the basic meaning of consent. As
David Brooks wrote in his November 2, 2017 NYT opinion piece, “…in the public
mind the line between unwanted sexual attention and force is growing
indistinguishable.”
Consent
is not a new term. We hear this term all
the time in medical settings and research.
Consent in these areas ensures participants are fully informed so they
know what they are agreeing to.
Additionally, they are aware of any risks or possible effects and the
right to say no. A minor (under age 18)
cannot consent to participation in these treatments or activities on his/her
own. An adult who is incapacitated or in
an altered mental state cannot consent to participate in these events
either. However, too often such
expectations are not considered for consent to sexual activities.
Why
isn’t clearly getting and giving consent always considered to be erotic?
Perhaps consent is perceived as interrupting the flow of passion in the moment.
Perhaps consent sounds too tame or heteronormative. A less visible yet probable factor is the
notions of sex and erotic being commandeered by the pornography industry.
In
a pornified culture, yesterday’s porn is today’s mainstream media. The
pornography industry has fueled the increase in hyper-sexualized mass
media. The ease of access to today’s
Internet pornography further packages women as sexual commodities and objects
to be used by male consumers.
Additionally, the porn industry portrays pain and degradation as sexy.
In a pornified culture, women are said to be worthwhile only if they are sexy,
and sexy is determined by how much degradation and pain they can “take” sexually. Alternatively, men’s masculinity is
questioned if they are not consumers
who, “get it,” “take whatever they want” and “get off.”
Without
some very creative writing, signing consent documents is not likely to be a
turn-on. So, how do we make sexual consent erotic? How do we make it a
contingency for further action? Beyond
basic education about consent, there needs to be a change of individual and
societal mental filters. Sex is often
portrayed as a performance or a trophy, creating a filter in which only a
scoreboard matters, rather than considering a human being. Society needs to see the exploitive use of
sex and pornified distortions for what they are, so society can see the
frequency of this leading to people being harmed or causing harm. True,
informed consent, is not present when one person has the power and control over
another. Arguments such as:
they
knew what was coming
they
did it before
they’re
making good money
they
didn’t say no
they
look like they liked it well enough
are
cognitive distortions and justifications for persons to feel better about neglecting
to care about another's pleasure (or lack thereof), pain, or humiliation. See
it. Change the filter.
Getting
and giving consent for a sexual relationship can and should be rewarding in and
of itself. The process can be sensual and hot.
Developing meaningful relationships that flourish takes time. It takes
time to learn each other’s likes, wants, and needs. Discovering what each person desires and
establishing boundaries paves the way to a depth of intimacy that brings
unparalleled satisfaction. Being able to ask, “is this okay” or “would you like
me to do [fill in the blank]” and respecting his/her answers heightens arousal
by diminishing anxiety, allowing both partners to enjoy each moment.
Lessons
tend to be very gendered as to the meaning of consent. Men learn to see consent
as an event – hearing yes or no at the time of the desired activity. Women learn to view consent as an ongoing
process, often on a more emotional and intimate level. (Beres & MacDonald,
2015). This disconnect can lead to
misperceptions on what has or has not been agreed to – especially when any
power differential or social norm is involved.
Listening
is a big part of effective communications. In fact, Scott and Graves note
selective listening often contributes to sexual coercion. In these cases, the one who manipulates or
forces only hears what s/he wants to hear – something supporting the desire for
a sexual encounter – and ignores anything negating the desired activity. Sometimes these issues lead to the one who
does the harm attempting to make the one harmed believe s/he did consent, when
this was not the case. This is just
another example of someone using a power or privilege to harm another human
being, then blaming those victimized instead of taking responsibility.
It
would be much easier if no one ever wanted sex with anyone who didn’t fully agree
to sex with them. However, when power over others is considered a turn on rather
than honestly and fully being desired by the other person, the potential
erotica of consent gets lost. According to the Merriam-Webster online site, the
term “erotic” is among the top 20% of searched words. This site gives the definition of erotic as
simply “devoting to, or tending to arouse sexual love or desire” or “strongly
marked or affected by sexual desire.” (2017).
Having
a meaningful connection with another human being fills the most basic desires
of the human heart: being included, affirmed, chosen, blessed, safe,
heard/understood, and touched. (Laaser & Laaser, 2008). When seeking erotic consent in your
relationships, consider the following acronym: Caring and compassionate connection, Overtly attending to each other’s needs and desires, Never negating each other’s limits, Sensual/mutually satisfying and sexy, Effort – putting in the work to make
sure all is well and enjoying the moment, Nibbling
away at uncertainty, Timely
communication.
When
these are present, the relationship is richly erotic.
References
Anderson, C. (2017). The Impact of
Pornography on Children, Youth, and Culture. Holyoke, MA: NEARI Press.
Beres, Melanie & MacDonald, Jo.
(2015). Talking about sexual consent: Heterosexual women and BDSM. Australian Feminist Studies (30)86; 418-432.
Brooks, D. (2017, November 2). Lovers,
Prospectors and Predators. New York Times. Retrieved November
15, 2017, from https://www.nytimes.com/2017/11/02/opinion/sexual-harassment-predators.html
Erotic. 2017. In Merriam-Webster.com. Retrieved 12 November 2017 from https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/erotic.
Laaser, Mark & Laaser, Debra. (2008). The Seven Desires of Every Heart. Grand
Rapis, MI: Zondervan.
Scott, Katie & Graves, Clint. (2017).
Sexual violence, consent, and contradictions: A call for communication
scholars to impact sexual violence prevention. Pursuit: The Journal of Undergraduate
Research at the University of Tennessee. (8)1; 159-174.